I am sad

Woke up this morning.  Had arguement. 

I am tired of .... Mmm never mind

I said get lost but that's normal reaction of every woman. He told me that I only invite them once. He never ever understands that this is just the stress. Not that i can't do it. Whatever... When you write it down, i downplay how hurt I am..

I will have a very sad day. 

Omg. I can hear him bubbling bla bla if you told him this. Thank god I can write in here.I said get lost snd he swore to me more and said whatever he could in that time frame. 

Anyway, life goes on. Today will also pass. What a life. 

I wish my last night dream would come true...

Thank you god for making me cry all day for whatever reason you find... 

I am starting to lose my respect for love... Probably there is not such a thing and as stupid as I always am, i wanted to believe in it

One more person vaccumed from my heart ...

I am amazed and at the same time assured about why the world is following this path of irrationality in middle east. It's not caused by the givernments. The issule lies within each household and the closed-minded, uneducated individuals that fills them. 

I read a lot of books and novels and I can see why westerners are what they are. 

Abyhow, this morning i laughed and felt sorry for beloved aunt which I eliminated from my heart. It feels so good. Less attachments means more brain cells staying alive ;) 

Thanks to "secret" and my new welcomed view of the world. 

I am enjoying it :)

1st snowflake of winter :)

It's been such a beautiful snowflaky day so far :) 

The 1st sign of winter showed off with small snowflakes ❄️❄️❄️❄️

I am on top of all my tasks. Got an interview for job tomorrow. Went to liberty village today and bouncedvaround EQ3 and kitchen stuff. Got myself an aromatic breath taking hazelnut coffee. Sitting in the car and enjoying my surrounding while having the sips of my coffee carefully. 

Secret is working and I am so thankful and ambitious 😊

My Cooking Page.

Today, I am starting to write a blog on cookings that I’ll do until the rest of 2015. My inspiration comes from the movie that I saw last night “Julie and Julia”.

I will the cooking recipes that my beautiful aunt sent me few years ago for my birthday. I will cook different kinds of chickens, vegetables, soups, fish, and salads. Eskipi you have always be so kind and truthful to me. You have always been the kindest mom and aunt that I could ever ask for. Having all these books made me want to start cooking from these right healthy recipes.

This page is dedicated to my ESKIPI. The inspiration comes from the movie “Julie and Juilia”. Thanks for existence and presence of some few people that make this world a better place, and giving some people like me to want to live life to the fullest.

And

All the hope and motivation to do this page and cook with this much passion goes to my baby PISHI.  The only love of my soul and my existence. Without you, none of these were possible. Without you, I wouldn’t be so inclined to open this page. God knows, I would never see all these beautiful things in this world (at least at this stage and phase of my life). Thanks for making me feel alive and making me a better person.

Let’s eat and laugh together in the coming year. We’ll have so much fun trying to bring love and warm food in cold summer days and nights.

LOVE YOU FOREVER MY LOVE.

And most important of all, all the credit goes to you my baby. YOU ARE THE ONLY REASON THAT I WANT TO FEEL ALIVE AND YOUTHFUL.

Toronto, Canada.  Nov. 12, 14

From now on, anything food related will be posted on my Cooking Page on this blog :)

Feeling awsome

Oh damn, just wrote a bunch and i clicked cancelled

Well, will try to summerize. 

Since I got back from Iran, i feel so relaxed, happy, hopeful, and alive. Things that I haven't felt all at once for many many years.

I love life and being alive and I wanna use this opportunity to enjoy it to the max and make the best out of it with my baby. Pls god help me to stay like this forever bit feels soooo so awsome to appreciate life and to enjoy it with my only love Pishi. 

Cleaning the house and loving my baby

Today I cleaned the house as I am getting ready to leave to Iran on friday. I am left with den, pishi's washroom and the front entrance. 

I wanted to say that despite all the hardship and stupid serious arguements that we had for the past little while, i love you to death. I only feel safe when you are around me or at least when we are under the same sky. 

Few minutes ago, I felt that there is laundry in my stomach. I feel a little worried.i can't call it worriness exactly but I feel something that affected my body. I feel a little numb and dizzy. Things that happened with the asswhole family of my dad. And everyone. 

I know I dont have to be but I feel heartbroken. Anyway. 

I have a beautiful handsome husband and life. I now know what this is. Things inside my home and between me and pishi are so good now that I am afraid may be it's a dream. It's not right? 

Nothing and no one can separate us and nothing can ever happens that makes us leave each other. Mage na? 

Only I know that sometimes I have an episode of panic attack. It paralyzes me. It's been a while since i experienced it. I am lying on the sofa now and keep breathing so that I can feel normal again. 

Baby I am going to miss you and our house. Can't wait to come back to you😕

At hospital. How unfair. For a cold and fever

Next week, at this time, I will be in iran as oppose to sitting in the hospital and watching every drip of serum water. 

I swear none of these patients have anyone sitting beside their bed. 

God knows i would never do this for my own family. 

Thank god I am leaving and I don'tknow until when. I know that I don't know them that well but at least I am far away from those that I don't want to be around them anymore. 

Arguement on Friday night. 1 week before I leave for Ira...

Next week at this time, I am in the plane on the way to Qatar. 

Last night even though I was waiting for hjm the whole day, it didn't go as expected. 

He even mentioned that Better That You're Leaving :( 

I am not mad or sad today. When we argued and I was feeling like crap, it was 10:40 PM. Hope next week you won't miss me. If you did, remember this friday. I was so sad last night and couldn't argue or cry anymore. I needed a break from ladt week's arguement. I went down stairs and saw Kim who lives at LPH 01. She invited me to her apartment for a glass of wine. 

I went and it was very nice. 

He stayed home and had pizza by himself. 

This was the first time that after an arguement going to start to make me cry and crazy, i left. 

I hope, me leaving makes him happy as well. And if not, I hope when I get back things are better. 

Anyway I am not sad today. Just wanted to document this memory. 

And there are 6 days left before i leave for iran. 

Cloudy and gray

Today, the weather is in line with me and my feeling. Cold and gray...

Except!!!!! That the love of my life pishi warms and melt my heart and keeps it hopeful...

Hello after a loooong time...

Good Morning Toronto, 

It's been so long since I have posted on my blog. 

I miss you too. I had forgotten my password and just recovered it.

A lot has happened. A lot of good things that are in the process of being dealt with. Like pishi's new job offer ;)

As for me, I am going back home with my mother in 4-5 weeks. Ofcourse, i am very excited. One of my luggages is already full and ready. At the same time,  I know I will miss pishi, my life and my privacy here. The thing is that I will onlystay  there for 20 days and the rest, I am in plane ;)

Khob have a wonderful day and since I have access to my blog again, I will definitely write more 

Good morning

Sob bekheir....

Have a good day...

Confused....

I wanna have either a proffesional life or the most simplest life. 

God!! Please help me....

I am disappointedand tired

I wanna make money :(

Or  be the best wife!

Clear it for me...

I have tried my ass off. At least let me be the best in one of these

M small heart and this big world

In persian we have an expression thst says "my heart has grown thin recently". I think this is true about me. 

I can't call it getting hurt but there is this thing  inside my heart that gets sad and surprised by lots of things going on around me. Then I become alone and heal myself again till the next person comes around and tears that thin line in my heart again.  It feels like a woriness when this happens. 

Well!!! That's how it is I guess. 

And sea horse made my day!!!

It was an absolutely beatiful day beside my baby and I in Toronto zoo. I saw the most adorable creature of the ocean and I'm still thrilled "sea horse". 

Another proof that my parents are assholes

I woke up today and I saw mishka in my baby's arm. That's how my lovely handsome husband with that purple shirt on woke me up this morning and kissed me to say good bye. 

Then I called my mom and she brought up the fact that if i dont talk with my so called dad, it will take longer and we may never talk and i said i dont care. 

Then she started saying that it doesn't look good infront of my pishi and mom. And i told her it's your responsibilty. And when then I realized that I am being blamed for everyyyyyyyyything even for my brother wanting to leave them. Then i sweared to my dad as she didn't even give a shit about how o feel. Long story short, I realized that they don't even give a rat's ass to me, my well being and my emotions AS USUAL. 

Today I realized that I won't even give a crap to them anymore. They ruined my whole life. The best years of my life and whenever I gain that confodence to move on with my life, they jump in and fuck it up. 

However I think, i can't find any good explanation of why these ass holes should be offended so fuck them for good. 

I will never trust them as I never did until few years ago. Even in the past few years, they were the ones who I was always ashamed of. 

Let me live my life and don't even bring up any arguement with me as I don't even think about you guys any more.  I will throw you both out of my life in a black garbage bag and please you do the same with me. 

I sweared at my dad and I don't even care if you tell him what I said. I won't even pick up my phone if he calls soon as I know that they want me lose and will make me cry. 

Fair Well

Termination with the team.... Genie

After 2 months of living in absolutely hopeful vibe and setting plan for future, i finally realized that they were false hopes and the team leader was as fake and as inexperienced as a one year agent who lived in dream like myself. 

Again I had to break a tie between what was fake ideal and get back to reality. 

Despite all, i learned very important lessons:

1- never rely on others for your success. Always hold the steering wheel in your hand and deal with reality

2- live in the moment and enjoy what you have. Be realistic

3- you should always take the stairs, then the ladder, and if you have done a great job, then feel free and take the elevator

4- always stay in full control. Use your vision, talent and potential. This will guide you to a long time success

This experience made me grow up a little more. Even though I put my pride and certainty on the table in front of everyone, I learned that none of theseincluding the pride matter. What matters the most is NOT GIVING UP and grow stronger to achieve your goal. 

I think these were worth mentioning and I am sure better days are ahead of us. 

GOD HELP THOSE WHO WANT TO HELP THEMSELVES!!!

Dominane, decipline and kindness tame animals 

let alone human!!!!

It's killing me inside!!!

We are on the highway right now. 

Please know that Shame has eaten me bitterly strong. I will promise to become successful in this. I will make it right and will act on it as soon as humanly possible for me. 

I will give you everything that anyone can wish for

Worked on cma and asigned tasks the whole week

I have been working my ass off to learn things that were asigned to me by my team leader.... Well the result of CMA was not that successful. I know I have to be patient to learn the tricks of this job. 

God help me. I need a client this month. Dont examine my patience. You already know that I will survive. But please make it easier for me. 

Worked on cma and asigned tasks the whole week

I have been working my ass off to learn things that were asigned to me by my team leader.... Well the result of CMA was not that successful. I know I have to be patient to learn the tricks of this job. 

God help me. I need a client this month. Dont examine my patience. You already know that I will survive. But please make it easier for me. 

It's life and it goes on

I will never dance with anyone or laugh...

I will postpone all my rights, all my feelings for a later time if the chance comes aroundone day. 

For now, this job iis the only thing that I should focus on. All my life, I have supported everyone around me specially those that I loved. But..... Anyway!!!!

That's why I need to fucus on this task that is due in our meeting tomorrow even with this headache. Doesn't matter how much i need to sleep now or how much I need someone to dupport me at this very moment. 

It's life and it goes on!!!!

My outfit today- 2nd meeting

1st meeting with RE/MA....

Today was the 1st team meeting with Re/ma.... Team. It took 5 hrs and from what it sounds, i will br getting clients from the team leader once I learn everything. The other 3 team members have each been in this business for more than 3 years and they have already got clients from our team member. 

I am so excited. 

I felt sooooo good and felt that I have a professional job this morning and I matter to this world. It was such an amazing feeling. I felt alive and hopefully the next decade, I will make up for the unfair lost time. I will be more in control and can surprise and treat my baby to gifts and vacations and i canalso cover part of our household finance so that pressure will be taken away from pishi. It's my dream to contribute to this house and our small family. 

Moreover, since both pishi and I are looking like two fat camels (lol), we went and ran together for 10 mins. The weather wad cold so we came back home. It happened after a long time. 

I think losing weight, intimacy, health and my work are my priorities for year 2014. 

Going to slee. I have my 2nd meeting with the team tomorrow. 

Good night :)

Back home after a week

Alan baad az 1 hafte ke be khatere flue khooneye mamanam ina moonde boodam, oomadam khoone. 

Kheili delam tange makhsoosan baraye safaye mamanam. Kheili behem resid. Kheili mehraboon bood. Kham be abroo nayavord. 

Kheili del tangam. Nemidoonam che tori farda bayad bidar sham tanha. Mamanam soba mioomad roo moble kenare takhtam mineshast :(

Bayad dobare be in tanhayee adat konam. Age halam khoobe khoob she okayam ama alan ke hanooz kamelan khoob nashodam o delam nazoke, kheili rooza too khoonamoon behem sakht migzare. 

Khoda kone shaba sal... Havamo dashteh bashe nazare delam bishtar tang she

Khodaya

Khodaya :(

Akhe khodet khoob be man negah kon. Man dige joon nadaram. Har chi dashtamo gerye kardam. 

I hope there is really something wrong with me....

I am sooooooooo tired of him. Very tired and disappointed of whom i chose for life and who he became throughout years. 

Shayad inja hamoonjayee hast ke dige rahe man o oon baraye hamishe az ham joda mishe.

Khodaya nazam kon bekhabam. Tanam dard mikone. Khodaya baram lalayee bekhoon ta aroom bekhabam. 

Kheili tanham amma midoonam dige mohabate oono nemikham. 

:( khodaya baghalam kon ta ashkamo ba baghalet pak konam :( khoda joonam kheili tanha shodam ba oon... :(

Your response

Sorry. My problem with us is your unoptional life.  I have to pay emotional, mental, physical price for you wanting me to appreciate you because you don't have option. 

I think my capacity has reached to the max. I knew one day it may happen but never knew it would at this time. 

Sorry... 

I need to have someone that i can rely on, smell him, cry in his arms when I most need him 

Anyway! I am so tired of pampering you and be always home when u open the door, be always there when you are sick, go through loneliness 12 months a year because you always have exams and assignments. I can't anymore. 

And as you said, if you were me now, this relationship wouldn't matter at this point. So i wanna be a fast learner and trust me Ii don't care about it either anymore. 

Good luck on your exam. You ruined this half. Be smart and don't ruin the otherhalf  which is your exam. 

My flue

Worst flue of my life

It's almost 5 days that i am struggling with this viral infection. It's 3 days that I am staying at my parents since as usual sal.... is not there to help me at all. 

My dad took me to doctor yesterday, bought medication, juice, fruit and everything and my mom was taking care of me. And sal.... Just came at nights, said hi, spent may be not even more than 10 minutes with me and went on to take care of his own business which is as usual is study or work. 

I know that my heart really got broken this time. I needed him mentally. Even if he would spend an hr with me. But NO HE DID NOT

Anyway! I dont think i can scrub this scar from my heart ever. This marriage or whatever you call it, is not anything comforting or reliable that I turn my face into. :(

God! Pls help me get better before my team leader comes back from US.  This is what is left for me. Everything else, are changing in front of me and my eyes

Waiting waiting and waiting

I am waiting for Taza's response. It's been a long wait. I hope I get the position. I really need it. 

I have to wait one more week. 

God, please! You know I am capable of working for them. Let me explore my potentials this time. Please don't hold me back anymore. Please!

Quote from my novel "Destiny"

I was reading my Novel "destiny" and a guy in the story punched a coward colleague on the face. He said a sentence that i enjoyed it. I didn't want to forget it. Hence, I'm gonna write it here for future references ;) lol...

" the pleasure was cheap at the price"

And he thought the guy was a piece of shut ;) so use it correctly lol

2nd pic of my first SABZEH 2014

A week has passed and this is the progression of my first SABZEH. My babies are growing healthy :)

Transferring to a new company after barely two months :)

Today I had a meeting with Taza. 

I think it's a new start and I am very happy about it. 

Wow, cheers to new start, leads and a very busy work life and MONEYYYYY

I THINK MONEY PROBLEM IS SOLVED. 

just call k.w. and requested a meeting with my team leader tomorrow to ask for immediate transfer. 

God it feels good !!!

My first SABZEH for rid

Yeeeeeey this is the first SABZEH that i am making for soften 7sin. 

Yeeeeeeeey

I'm sooooo excited

I gave life to something. Hoooooraaaaaaaa

Don't know anymore

Life is not in the right place...

Nor my job, neither my personal life...

I don't see my partner anyyyymoreeee

I don't know.

Did I sign up for this?

Hope his time with me does not go on this way... I really hope... I don't know

Just started looking for prospects

Hi,

I am prospecting people and started calling them from yesterday. 

Let see what happens. 

I won't give up. I love doing this. The good thing is that i have alternative which is following the agents from my cultural background and join their team. 

For now, i am going to do my abdolute best and if it dorsn't work with the current brokerage, i will join teams in my community :)

My first official CARDIO DAY

Just came from doing Cardio at 11th floor. 

God, it feeels sooooo goood now. Don't know why I didn't start earlier. 

Today is the day that I officially become an athlete :D

This is what's gonna be my first priority every morning as soon as I open my eyes :)

Welcome to athlete world and cheers to a healthy life style