Robarts library

Hi,
It is now 3:44 PM on Sunday and I am studying for PSYB65 Mid-term exam at Robarts.
It has been a tough year for me so far and this is my last semester attending university.
I have been under a wired mental break down specifically this last semester. Simba is coming home late December after my final exams; I am getting graduated from university after 10 years of a not so pleasant adventurous life (except my marriage which gave me all the happiness in the world); I will be going to work which I dreamed about; most important of all, I will be a wife, and etc.
God knows how excited, scared, happy, confused I am for the new life that is about to happen to me in less than 2 months.
Leaving me and pishi aside, The past 10 years for me have been full of things that happened to me surprisingly. none of which of wished for when I was little. I always thought, I will go to university, get out like a normal girl at age of 24-25. and will start living my life. BUT none of these happened to me.
When I got to my OAC (pre-university) year, I tried very hard to get into a good university. I was studying days and nights and I never forget that on April 15th, I got admission from 3 universities ( 2 of them with scholarship). I remember that night still. I remember the day that I got graduated from high school, I told my self that i am very happy with who I have been and what I have achieved so far. I never tried to make many mistakes. I was the sister for all my high school friends and never was involved with any teenage problems which I always made and my parents so proud of me.
a very unfortunate circumstance happened to me just a week after I got my admission from university. I got to meet a person online and it changed my life tremendously for the past 10 years. It is not that I blame anything on him. but there was a huge problem with me and my own decision that night. despite growing up in this country, and knowing a lot of guys at school, I never attempted to fall in love with any of them. I had a very good reason. I have been grown up in a very wired strict family. I never had a mother like any other girls beside me. due to our family situation, my mom was always at work ( which I preferred at time). She was very very very 180 degree different from me in every aspect of life. we basically couldn't share or do anything with each other since she was working, as well as all spiritual, and life view points differences. so I started mothering for myself. of course, I cried and imagined a lot of good things that I could have but I didn't , BUT life made me to learn from my self and mistakes and behaviours of others. This was really hard at that age. I was only a high school teenager and I was full of life but sometimes  people have to anticipate and behave according to their own circumstances. with the restriction that I could not get a boyfriend in the same city, and with the restriction that i had in not being able to attend parties, I saw the long distance communication as the best choice possible for me.  of course I had to hide it from my parents. at that time, I wanted to experience how it it is to like someone and someone like you back and I got involved. I was happy at the beginning. well, I don't know. it was a new experience for me (very wired, I was already 19 and all my friends already had 4-5 relationship experiences). so , I started talking to this guys and it continued. I was always home by 4 pm and I couldn't go out at night so it was better than sitting alone at my room. (  I was always at my room because my mom was always tired and we never talked about anything personal about girly things or never really enjoyed each other. it was both way). this is how it got started.
After a while, my parents realized that I have a long distance relationship. my dad asked me if i like him and I said yes. it was only after a year that I realized that my parents didn't like him since he was not even educated. but I was sooooooooo happy that I am not hiding from them, that I didn't realize that they don't tell me anything because he has no harm to me. I remember asking my dad if he would be so acceptable of me having boyfriend if he was in the same city and he never answered me. now , I know.
It was after when I entered university and when I got into probation and my mental health went under break down that they realized that I am not ok at all and they pushed me not to talk to him again.
again, I remember the day that I broke up with him for the first time seriously. I told my dad and I was crying. he came to my room and cried with me. he hugged me and never left me alone that day. I remember his kind eyes how much he was trying to support me.
As much as I blamed him , I know he had noooooooooooo bad intention. but it was his cultural thing that he couldn't understand at the beginning. and he tried to help me a lot afterwards. I don't talk about my mom in this stage because she was never there and she always tried to blame me overly for what I was doing.
if she was a different person, may be she could be closer to me and my dad and may be, she could teach my dad a lot things in letting me going to parties at that age. I am sure it would never happened to me if this was the case.
anyway, after a lot tremor, and after 4 years of spending all my money, getting suspended from university, and being under a huge debt,  I broke up with him again. ( this time, no one knew that I was talking to him again).
so, I got suspended from university and I started working my ass off for 3-4 years. I worked in every possible place that they could give me jobs and I repaid a lot of money. I couldn't even buy clothes for me since everything was going to my debts. my dad helped me with thousands of money when I first broke up, but this time I was all on my own.
god knows how much things I saw, how much pressure I took every nigh, how much regret I slept every night and how tired and scared I was.
every night, I reviewed the night that  I got admission from university and I retold my self how much proud I was that night, but at that point I had nothing. I had to sacrifice my young adult hood years to just get to a zero point. but the damage was more than what I could compensate for and solve in 3-4 years.
on 2007, I got to meet the best person, the most honest and giving person that could possibly exist in this world. at least god was kind to me to put him in front of me and it guaranteed my happiness for the rest of my life.
He helped me to repay all of the debts that I have.
My credit was shittier than shit. he tried so hard to fix it for me and as of now I am at a very good credit standing and it is all because of pishi.
I didn't have any energy to start studying seriously and i was always thinking with myslef what I cannot continue getting my bachelor. I was very behind. I only had 2 courses passed in my transcript so I had a long way to go. BUT again because I was very restrict at home, I couldn't tell my parents about him and this really made me crazy on the almost 3 rd year of our relationship. Lie became part of me and I couldn't take it any more. I was so afraid. every night, I slept at  his place with the fear of what if my parents know that I am here. they don't let me have a boy friend, what if they realize that I am living under the same roof with pishi?
and still I couldn't catch up well with my university. so we decided to get married.
it was then again which he supported me in every aspect of university and held my hand to go up the ladder. I never forget when he was telling me to start with one course and not more so u can do it. I did it and then I started with 2 and 3 and now I have 4 courses and it is my last semester. He provided the peace in the house in every manner so I could concentrate on my school and finish this last obstacle. even though, I studied very hard and became an A student, none of it was possible if it wasn't for him.
the good thing that I had never experienced in my life was being honest with whom I am living. all of us (girls) in that stupid culture become actors exactly when we start going to go to elemtary schools in grade 1. parents' expectations and their selfishness and their f... culture has made all of us (girls) to lie and become very good at it in a way that it becomes part of us. so they never get to know us truly and interestingly, even we ourselves lose the touch with our own being.
anyway, when I met pishi, I started telling him everything and this was pretty new for me. since 2007 until now, there was nothing that I couldn't share with him. the worst thing that happened to me, he was the first person to know and that is how we built out life full of love and succession until this day.

me and pishi have rarely fought because of us. it was always his sister which was vey ignorant of me. she never welcomed me. her inhumane behaviour always caused fight and discomfort for me even before we got married. but now, she has become so little and so out of the circle, that she totally doesn't bother me anymore. interestingly, his mom that I never though she is going to cause anything, started playing with me since we got married. but again, this is not gonna bother me any more. I love pishi and our life so much that  I am sure nothing like this will bother me any more. anyways, there will be another section about these events as well which I will write in my blog.
I will go through every detail of my life in the past 10 years. I will spit everything out and I want to live in the present from December. :)

well, I just created this blog. and due to all the change and transformations that are happening to me after years, I need to go thru everything and write it down so I can sort things out. I want to know where I was so that I will live my life fully. I can appreciate even a single breath without regret.

i will post more.

I have a neuroscience midterm tomorrow and I am pretty ready for it.

will be back soon