Our Baby Simba

hi,
Omg I am so happy...
two nights ago pishi told me that the other purdy breeder was actually a broker and we are better off not purchasing our puppy from them. that was the only hope that we had.
pishi told me not to worry and he told that he will find a good breeder and good puppy.
one day after that which was yesterday around 5 PM, he called me and said he has found the love of his life. I looked at the pics and I fell in love with the puppy on the first site and on the first picture.
So, I called the breeder and she told me that the puppy whose name is Izzo is still available but they are more than 5 hours far from toronto.
pishi came home and said that we should go and see him. after a few phone calls to the breeder, my BAHAL pishi started booking hotel in Montreal and we rented a car for tomorrow morning to go there.
Belive it or not, as crazy as we are, we decided to make it like a trip and we are going to stay in Montreal for two days and have some fun as well.
However, ;)..... do not ignore the fact that pishi has his final exam on the coming friday and I have a paper due and two final exams in the next 9 days. but as we said always, we wanted to live an extra-ordinary and unusual life and we made it. most of our memories are the ones with unusual and pleasanet reactions and places that we went to see at times when no one would do so :D:D:D:D:D and this is the beaury of our lives.
so, one important things is that PEOPLE SHOULD ALWAYS LEAVE THE WORK TO THE PROFESSIONALS like pishi ;)
as always, he made his promise and we made it a fun trip.
it is now 5:15 PM on friday. pishi is at work. I finished my assignment for D33, and I want to start cleaning the house and pack up our stuff for our trip. I have to pack up Simba's toys and blankets as well. yeeeeeeeeeeeey
my baby boy is coming home in 3-4 weeks. we love him so much. let's hope for the best and wish that he is as sweet as he shows in the picture, then everything is perfectly set. yeeeeeeeeeeeeeey.
tomorrow by this time, we have seen our cutie son and from what I know from pishi and I, we are going crazy at this time tomorrow or if Izzo is not matching our tatste, we are as cold as ice. LOL
but I am kind of sure Izzo is our puupy.
here is few pics of this cutie gentle man.....

shut the...up

why can't you just shut the fuck up???????????????
I am so hateful of your double-standard and unstable personality and belief........
for god's sake you have born to be a women..
what the fuck is wrong with you in this world?
didn't you fucking your life lesson?

I am so ashamed of humans actions, thoughts and....

anyways!!! god bless you
what you say and what you do, every day makes me realize how much I wish I never met you...
never seen such a wiered person in my life,... at this age? no way...
try to make mistakes like everyone else so at least I could say you don't understand. the problem is that I know you understand what you are saying....
I don't even know how pishi grew up with you guys. even a single similarity between you guys, would cause me and pishi not to end up together.

anyways!!!!
gotta get back to my assignment, I am at Robarts and  I have more important things to attend other than your khale zanak personality which is causing me to become one and I won't let that happen.
You are going out my loop which is good ...

bye for now

change

hi,
it is 4:23 and I am in Robart's library doing assignmnet for d33.
since last time that I wroyte in my blog, a lot of things has changed.
I handed in two assignments and I am working on the 4th paper that is due this tuesday.

last saturday we went and saw the caramel simba in hamilton and we terminated the contract and didn't buy him cause he did not look like as we expected and he had disability issues I guess ;)
it has been three days that I have changed my paradigm and decided to make a balance as much as possible between my school life and my personal life and it sounds that it has worked already.

I splitted this balance between:
1- school
2- gym
3- diet
4- pishi and .... ( pending to be done today ;))
5- taking care of home.

I am a bit calmer now even though my school stuff is not being done as fast as before, but I am in a healthy mood and my school is going well with a slower pace.

anyways. I have to review an article now. gotta go

D33 assignment

I was so worried about my unfinished assignement so I woke up in the morning and worked on it straight until 1 PM.
I wrote the assignment single spaced and when I double-spaced it with the required fond, I realized that i am one page short. so I had to add a lot of stuff which I did but still it didn't end up being full 8 pages.
well I'd rather lose mark for shorter assignment than him giving me shit for putting stupid material in my paper.
anyways!

I sent the asssignement to pishi and due to some technical difficulty ;) LOL with my phone and stuff, I didn't send the proper doc to pishi. it is now 2:22 PM and I am waiting for edited version of my paper.

mojgan called me and told me that their medical is completed and she told me that my brother knew. I texted him and told him u knew. he texted me back and said " injoori nist ke fek mikoni. behet baad az karam zang mizanam."
hala may be he is totally right or may be not.
let's see ;)

anyway ziadam baram mohem nist since I am changing my whole paradigm.
the only important thing is that me and pishi never hide anything from each other and we are happy.
Although I don't think p... had any bad intention but stull that does not matter.  I like him the way I always did but I just realized that how bi-siasat and childish my feelings are. well even if he didn't hide, it had a good lesson for me.:)
I take a lesson recently from everything. may be this was a very good one ;)

salam,
alan saat 10:17 shabe. pishi vaysade joloye man mige plastic boyee zadim too rah goosham terekid ;)
I woke up today and went to RBC at Union Station and came straight back to 11th floor to work on my assignment for D33. It is about RCT trials. it was a lot of work and it wasn't done. I have to wake up early in the morning and work on it since it was due tomorrow
right now, pishi put plastic boy in my ears and every second of my life is passing in front of my eyes every second it plays its bits in my ears.
this is the story of my life. full of UPS and DOWNS. wow... I grew up finally...finally...

I ran, I ran, 10 yrs..... very unfriendly life in front me. a lot of them couldn't even come out of my mouth. ,,,,,,,, then I met pishi....everything is changing... everything.... smoothing out....then life started to sing for me...

ummm,,,
anyways,
so just wanted to say that my mind has been very busy for the past two days.
It is been months that I couldn't wake up and do something that make me happy. it has been all about school and studying... I was already depressed when two nights ago that happened.
I was already in the middle of breaking but no one knew except pishi.
it is ok. I always say, that blow that doesn't make you bend, makes you a stronger person and I am not gonna fall down. I never did.
and this time I will fight it as well.
right now, I don't have much energy

I am crashing, I am falling,
sara, you really are killing me inside.........
I am really tired. it is not what happened two nights ago.
it is everything that is replaying in front of me...
why me? why so many crap has to pass in front of me whenever I wanna review my life?
why should the happiest moments of my adolescence be when I was friend with the most fucked up person which is Rana. interestingly  that was the only good moments which I was trying to escape from me and everyone else. other than that, everything was smashed and I was running and running...

and I guess pishi wanted to charm me, and he played suave mente in my ears ;) LOL and now I forget about everything and started dancing. hehehe....

suave mente,,,,,I make u feel u whatever....if u take me away..... LOL ;)
it's like dejavou babe ;)

anyways, after this I forgot what I wanted to write ;)
just wanted to say that i am very vulnerable at the moment and the only person who has always been in every moment by moment of my life is pishi and I am sure I ll get through this stage with pishim.
he has provided me with every peace in this house
only 4 more assignments and 3 final exams left ;) LOL
and about parents, later or sooner, I had to go through this stage. so better now.

On My Way to York U

It is now 8:45 PM and I am at York university. I wrote PSYB65 successfully. I think I did pretty well.

Well, after my exam,  my mom called to see how I did and I said fine. I told her I am going to York to see pishi. She asked how are u going there? And  I replied. 20 minutes later while I was on the go bus, my dad called as said: “salam che tori baba joon. Kojayee?”

I hate it when they act like this. I don’t appreciate worriness of this kind at allllll. I told him, khoobam mersi tooye go busam daram miram York. He said yeah , I know. Your mom told me that’s why I called to see how u are.

Manam behem bar khord amma aroom amma jeddi goftam: “ bache ke nistam baraye har chizi negaran shin. Alan agebache dashtam 5 salesh bood.” And he said, man kari nadaram, bacheye mani o azin harfa.

Manam goftam man kheili annoy misham and he said bacheye mani. Then I said baba I am really tired. Kari nadarin? Then he hold the phone for few seconds and hung up.

After 10 seconds my mom called and I told her the same thing. She said man kari nadaram zang zadam faghat harf bezanam. Manam goftam well, u don’t have time to talk to me on the phone when I call during the day. Now u want to talk? And I ended the conversation.

I don’t know what has happened to me but I don’t like to answer any irrelevant question to anyone (specially my parents that I am in touch). And to be honest I really don’t care ke beheshoon bar bekhore for a while. I cannot answer to every question and I cannot make everyone happy. I hate making everyone happy. They should also learn that I get annoyed. And if they want to know if I am fine or not, they better find a better way instead of asking kojayee. And to be honest I don’t think there was no necessity for him to call. My mom would call any way and he would know. I don’t appreciate this kind of negarani.

I know they care but caring has its own limits. Caring means u should act upon something, not just knowing that I am fine. Caring means waking up on a Saturday morning at 7 and come and give me my student card.

Kheili stage ajibi az zendegim ro daram migzaroonam. I always blame being still student as the cause of all these behaviours. Fortunately I am close to 30 and naturally I am getting annoyed and it is close to my graduation. I will never have a kid and I will never be a mother. But It doesn’t mean that I am incaplable and child for someone else.

That’s all.

I am at second up at York and waiting for pishi’s class to end. So we can go home. I am really tired. I have been studying non-stop for the past 8 days.

God help me establish a lot of things. The problem is that I am getting settled in my personal school and work life a little later than what I am suppose to and this has affected people’s behavior towards me.  And truthfully, other than all these, I think my own way of behavior which is always charming and happy has caused all these things.

Help me show them that I am not a student and I don’t appreciate a lot of things. I don’t care if they learn it or not . I just want  to make sure that I am happy and that’s how I become happy

I know my dad doesn’t have any bad intention but I am tired of them being worried about me for the past 30 yrs. Just detach . detach. I don’t want these attachments. It is not good for you and definitely I hate it too.  I don’t think any girl has cared this much about her family. It is time for me to keep myself and my own own small family happy.

Sorry my mind is really tired so my writing may be a little wired. Just wrote to keep it in my diary

UTSC and PSYB65

I just got to UTSC and it is 9:30 AM.
I have a neuroscience mid-term exam at 5 PM. I am very well prepared and I just need to go through my notes. I am sure I am even ready to write the exam even now.
I can't wait for this exam to be over. I really studied hard for this exam.
I have an assignment due tomorrow which still I don't know if I will be granted an extension.  I haven't heard anything from my Prof. yet. let's see and let's hope for the best.
As of now, my main focus on writing a good mid-term for this neuroscience.
I am very optimistic in getting extension. well, I better. this assignment worth 30% of my mark.
anyhow, I will write more after my exam is done. :)

and this pic shows where I am sitting at :) and it shows how hard I have tried for this exam.

Robarts library

Hi,
It is now 3:44 PM on Sunday and I am studying for PSYB65 Mid-term exam at Robarts.
It has been a tough year for me so far and this is my last semester attending university.
I have been under a wired mental break down specifically this last semester. Simba is coming home late December after my final exams; I am getting graduated from university after 10 years of a not so pleasant adventurous life (except my marriage which gave me all the happiness in the world); I will be going to work which I dreamed about; most important of all, I will be a wife, and etc.
God knows how excited, scared, happy, confused I am for the new life that is about to happen to me in less than 2 months.
Leaving me and pishi aside, The past 10 years for me have been full of things that happened to me surprisingly. none of which of wished for when I was little. I always thought, I will go to university, get out like a normal girl at age of 24-25. and will start living my life. BUT none of these happened to me.
When I got to my OAC (pre-university) year, I tried very hard to get into a good university. I was studying days and nights and I never forget that on April 15th, I got admission from 3 universities ( 2 of them with scholarship). I remember that night still. I remember the day that I got graduated from high school, I told my self that i am very happy with who I have been and what I have achieved so far. I never tried to make many mistakes. I was the sister for all my high school friends and never was involved with any teenage problems which I always made and my parents so proud of me.
a very unfortunate circumstance happened to me just a week after I got my admission from university. I got to meet a person online and it changed my life tremendously for the past 10 years. It is not that I blame anything on him. but there was a huge problem with me and my own decision that night. despite growing up in this country, and knowing a lot of guys at school, I never attempted to fall in love with any of them. I had a very good reason. I have been grown up in a very wired strict family. I never had a mother like any other girls beside me. due to our family situation, my mom was always at work ( which I preferred at time). She was very very very 180 degree different from me in every aspect of life. we basically couldn't share or do anything with each other since she was working, as well as all spiritual, and life view points differences. so I started mothering for myself. of course, I cried and imagined a lot of good things that I could have but I didn't , BUT life made me to learn from my self and mistakes and behaviours of others. This was really hard at that age. I was only a high school teenager and I was full of life but sometimes  people have to anticipate and behave according to their own circumstances. with the restriction that I could not get a boyfriend in the same city, and with the restriction that i had in not being able to attend parties, I saw the long distance communication as the best choice possible for me.  of course I had to hide it from my parents. at that time, I wanted to experience how it it is to like someone and someone like you back and I got involved. I was happy at the beginning. well, I don't know. it was a new experience for me (very wired, I was already 19 and all my friends already had 4-5 relationship experiences). so , I started talking to this guys and it continued. I was always home by 4 pm and I couldn't go out at night so it was better than sitting alone at my room. (  I was always at my room because my mom was always tired and we never talked about anything personal about girly things or never really enjoyed each other. it was both way). this is how it got started.
After a while, my parents realized that I have a long distance relationship. my dad asked me if i like him and I said yes. it was only after a year that I realized that my parents didn't like him since he was not even educated. but I was sooooooooo happy that I am not hiding from them, that I didn't realize that they don't tell me anything because he has no harm to me. I remember asking my dad if he would be so acceptable of me having boyfriend if he was in the same city and he never answered me. now , I know.
It was after when I entered university and when I got into probation and my mental health went under break down that they realized that I am not ok at all and they pushed me not to talk to him again.
again, I remember the day that I broke up with him for the first time seriously. I told my dad and I was crying. he came to my room and cried with me. he hugged me and never left me alone that day. I remember his kind eyes how much he was trying to support me.
As much as I blamed him , I know he had noooooooooooo bad intention. but it was his cultural thing that he couldn't understand at the beginning. and he tried to help me a lot afterwards. I don't talk about my mom in this stage because she was never there and she always tried to blame me overly for what I was doing.
if she was a different person, may be she could be closer to me and my dad and may be, she could teach my dad a lot things in letting me going to parties at that age. I am sure it would never happened to me if this was the case.
anyway, after a lot tremor, and after 4 years of spending all my money, getting suspended from university, and being under a huge debt,  I broke up with him again. ( this time, no one knew that I was talking to him again).
so, I got suspended from university and I started working my ass off for 3-4 years. I worked in every possible place that they could give me jobs and I repaid a lot of money. I couldn't even buy clothes for me since everything was going to my debts. my dad helped me with thousands of money when I first broke up, but this time I was all on my own.
god knows how much things I saw, how much pressure I took every nigh, how much regret I slept every night and how tired and scared I was.
every night, I reviewed the night that  I got admission from university and I retold my self how much proud I was that night, but at that point I had nothing. I had to sacrifice my young adult hood years to just get to a zero point. but the damage was more than what I could compensate for and solve in 3-4 years.
on 2007, I got to meet the best person, the most honest and giving person that could possibly exist in this world. at least god was kind to me to put him in front of me and it guaranteed my happiness for the rest of my life.
He helped me to repay all of the debts that I have.
My credit was shittier than shit. he tried so hard to fix it for me and as of now I am at a very good credit standing and it is all because of pishi.
I didn't have any energy to start studying seriously and i was always thinking with myslef what I cannot continue getting my bachelor. I was very behind. I only had 2 courses passed in my transcript so I had a long way to go. BUT again because I was very restrict at home, I couldn't tell my parents about him and this really made me crazy on the almost 3 rd year of our relationship. Lie became part of me and I couldn't take it any more. I was so afraid. every night, I slept at  his place with the fear of what if my parents know that I am here. they don't let me have a boy friend, what if they realize that I am living under the same roof with pishi?
and still I couldn't catch up well with my university. so we decided to get married.
it was then again which he supported me in every aspect of university and held my hand to go up the ladder. I never forget when he was telling me to start with one course and not more so u can do it. I did it and then I started with 2 and 3 and now I have 4 courses and it is my last semester. He provided the peace in the house in every manner so I could concentrate on my school and finish this last obstacle. even though, I studied very hard and became an A student, none of it was possible if it wasn't for him.
the good thing that I had never experienced in my life was being honest with whom I am living. all of us (girls) in that stupid culture become actors exactly when we start going to go to elemtary schools in grade 1. parents' expectations and their selfishness and their f... culture has made all of us (girls) to lie and become very good at it in a way that it becomes part of us. so they never get to know us truly and interestingly, even we ourselves lose the touch with our own being.
anyway, when I met pishi, I started telling him everything and this was pretty new for me. since 2007 until now, there was nothing that I couldn't share with him. the worst thing that happened to me, he was the first person to know and that is how we built out life full of love and succession until this day.

me and pishi have rarely fought because of us. it was always his sister which was vey ignorant of me. she never welcomed me. her inhumane behaviour always caused fight and discomfort for me even before we got married. but now, she has become so little and so out of the circle, that she totally doesn't bother me anymore. interestingly, his mom that I never though she is going to cause anything, started playing with me since we got married. but again, this is not gonna bother me any more. I love pishi and our life so much that  I am sure nothing like this will bother me any more. anyways, there will be another section about these events as well which I will write in my blog.
I will go through every detail of my life in the past 10 years. I will spit everything out and I want to live in the present from December. :)

well, I just created this blog. and due to all the change and transformations that are happening to me after years, I need to go thru everything and write it down so I can sort things out. I want to know where I was so that I will live my life fully. I can appreciate even a single breath without regret.

i will post more.

I have a neuroscience midterm tomorrow and I am pretty ready for it.

will be back soon