You start dying if....

Peaceful Thursday evening at home

It's been a week since I quit working at UT.. Tree.
My body and soul is returning to its normal state.
I have transferred my real estate licence to a new brokerage KG. And I will start working full time there in a week or two.
I also submitted my Master application to western university today.
One thing to add is, exercise and going to gym.

Just submitted my application for Master Degree

I just submitted my application to western university for Master degree in prof. Education in ABA.
Fingers crossed!!!

Stop sharing your feelings..

Or you will be so disappointed. Once for all, stop it and accept that your feelings are your own and nobody even your husband gives a shit about it unless it's a happy feeling and there's excitement. Otherwise, they are your own to deal with.

Last night, I was craving for a kind word, for somebody to hold me tight and look into my eyes and tell me that he loves me so much, that I am the most precious thing is his life, and that no matter what he hold my hand. But it never happens. It's just all talk. Or and these words I have never heard them. He sometimes writes some nice things on Viber.

Last night, I was so alone. Got back from my parents. His mom talked non-stop. For some reason, I got a headache from all those noises and felt so depressed at night. Then I lied down and thought, reviewed a lot of things that had happened in my life, and things that I wish to have, I hugged myself so tight, caress my skin because although he was sleeping beside me, he never gives me that calmness and love when I most need it. Best case scenario, he sits and talks to me and for me it's better than nothing so I give in. I get lucky if I don't get to an argument because sometimes he attacks you at your most vulnerable moment. This morning he called, and I told him that I was really sad last night but I didn't cry and shared with him how I am planning to live in my silence because he can't even hug me when I most need it.
I told him that I am feeling so alone that I wanna get distant until I heal and his response was:
"when are you ever happy? You work you're not happy. You don't work you're not happy."

And in response, I asked him calmly not to call me today and goodbye.

And I didn't cry. My tears were about to come down but I didn't cry.
Stop sharing your feelings

I try to be with you as much as I can.
I am starting working in real estate from this week. I ll put my head down and will do my best and dedicate as much time to become successful. But I still need to stay silent, become emotionally independent and move on. In this house, I don't feel loved and appreciated. I feel like an extra piece of bloody cloth, that is only accepted if this cloth is washed and cleaned.

I have to stop talking.
Stop sharing your feelings
Stop wanting to be loved
Stop craving for a hug
I'll be much better off

Saturday Brunch @Sunny Morning

Etobicoke with pishi

Stop hanging out with this couple...

Last night, I made an unnecessary mistake. We were sitting home, listening to music and drinking. Then, pishi's phone rang and it was his friend m.i.s.a.g.h. It was around 9:30 - 10pm on Friday. He told pishi that him and his wife are around our area and me being stupid told them to come over.
I had cleaned our home the entire day and you have to look at our kitchen counter being so messy.

I am writing this to remind myself to not hang out with them anymore especially when it's last minute. I don't understand why pishi does not get the fact that not all of his friends are necessarily suitable to hang out with as a couple. This guy is cool and I think pishi should hang out with him the two of them.

1- they come and they drink without ever bringing any alcohol.
2- if we order food, this guy does not stop eating until Pizza box is empty.
3- I have nothing to talk about with his wife. She does not talk except Dore hami. So there is no point of hanging out with somebody that you feel that she is a stranger. A stranger that you don't trust and you're not enjoying your time with, and for no reason is sitting in the living room of your house.
4- khosh nemigzare bahashoon. I don't even know them and same with them. We have gone to camping and have seen each other few times, but it was never about getting to know each other. So it's a stupid and shallow getting together as a family.

So it's done and pls never do it again.

Officially resigned from UT... 😊

Omg, it's the best feeling of freedom now.
I have secured a job in real estate and will transfer my documents on Sunday.

I no longer have to work in a client's home or deal with that shitty Management and clinic. Although the owner was an asshols at the end, and I don't get a chance to say a proper goodbye to the home client, his mom and my coworkers, I am still in heaven.

Just got home from my resignation meeting lol.
Cleaned the car for my pish so he can go to work by car tomorrow morning. I even set up his seat. In the past 2 months, he only drove this car probably 3 times and paid close to my weekly wage to uber.

Yaaaaaaay.

Let's rock real estate, life, pishi's PhD and his business.

Even this little girl is happy

Cheers

Have you ever felt that:?

Have you ever felt that the world is conspiring on you that you're not good enough?!

First Snow of the season

And I was home to watch it falling...
Let the coming new year be a successful and peaceful year with health being the first priority for myself, my pish and our loved ones. 2018 has been a year full of change, hard work and adventure for both of us so far. Thankfully, all for be better and I am grateful for that and a bit exhausted lol.

My sick day off and made fish for lunch

I need to get well from this crazy cold and sore throat. Been sick for the past one week. So I made this easy pre-marinated fish with quinoa

Resisting on going to work in that client's home lol.

Told my manager, won't work at this client's home anymore...

Yesterday, I had a meeting with the owner of UT... Tree who is also a clinical director.
Finally, got the courage to say that I don't want to work with this client and at his home anymore. I also mentioned that I would love to be given the opportunity to work full time at the Centre but if it's not an option, unfortunately, I have to resign.

Omg, since I got out of that meeting, my shoulders are so light. It's as if the weight of the last 1.5 months is lift off from them.

I'll tell the entire story. The picture attached here is a summary of what I wanted to say at the meeting. It's put together with pishi's help the night before. Here is what happened:

I did my absolute best with this kid since day one. I left nothing short of trying to deliver the best and ensure that I follow my agency's and my managers' guideline and instructions. But there is always something going wrong with this client and his setting of therapy at home. I was absolutely honest with the clinical supervisor and my St in providing my feedback in our meeting which they always appreciated my honesty. 

It started by his constant crying every morning at 8am whether he was watching video on his tablet at his mom's bed under the blanket to even responding a simple greeting (part of his program). Ignorance by him and his family towards me and mom telling me that I make an unfair judgment of her when I asked her that her attention escalates his crying as he is using you to escape tasks (as per my supervisor's guidance). It was going on until the owner and clinical supervisor joined my session one morning. When she saw this, she was unbelievably surprised by the home setting, his mom's interruption of the therapy session which was already draining for me. 

So final decision was to remove his morning routine, putting on clothes and basically any life skills on hold. And move on with academic program. And mom asked that I start from 8:30 instead of 8am. Since that day, this guy sits on the sofa, watches cartoon, and eat pancake. And I can't say much because mom can't stand and don't want to see him crying. As long as he laughs and have a great time, she is happy. So I kind of was serving as a babysitter. One day I was to a playground at enchanted castle and dog walking. I was doing it with no complain and I managed to do one hour and half of work. Even with that he is not willing to learn and does not. He screams, looks at the ceiling, and basically does everything except paying attention to the task. But mom was and is so happy. Until last week that because of cold weather, I started getting sinus pain and ended up getting sick on Thursday. Even in the morning mom told me that everything is going great but me being sick interferes with the dog walking. 

Another problem is the scary uninsanitary condition of that house. I don't need to write it here because I'll remember it forever. 

Also, although putting on clothes is not part of his program anymore, this tall guy still is in diaper when I get there and mom expects me to help him to take off his diaper and put on his clothes. Waits for me to put on his shoes and jacket when it's time to go to school. Sit beside him when he is eating breakfast and watching tv. These are a babysitter's job but I still did it without complain. 

My sickness, and lack of her understanding and expecting me go outside everyday and walk the dog for 35_45 minutes, this guys inability to learn, lack of motivation to complete any tasks, my waisted 1.5 hr without pay everyday, feeling so isolated from my coworkers and ur... Tree, lack of support and another IT, distance to the clinic, thinking of the drive on the highway in the snow for no good reason, not learning anything, not implementing ABA, lack of instructional control with client because of his mom, not being treated fairly like everyone else at UT... Tree, only be given one client everyday at the clinic in the afternoon, not being given a fair chance to work with the other kids at school, even with working 80hrs having to submit 50 hrs for paycheck, the stressful environment at work and being so static and emotional and physically unhealthy, my continuous depression, exhaustion and sadness over the past 1.5 month and director of operation'response to me telling her that I have a sinus problem and I can't walk a dog for 40 minutes a day with her response telling me, " wrap something around your eyes so you can and if I knew this I would have considered it when giving job offer", all led me to sit with pishi and listen to him and agreeing with him that I need to remove this client from my work at this agency and resign if I am not given the fair opportunity to work full time at the clinic like everybody else. 

Ps. I had already told my St about the drive, my sinus condition, requested for another IT to join and share the responsibity. 

To whomever I spoke with at the clinic, they said they wouldn't accept this and to them even my condition was surprising. A lot of them said that they are sorry that I am going thru this. 

Although, I was very sick and emailed the admin that I couldn't go to this client's home in the morning, I made it to the clinic at 12 to attend a very important meeting with the executive director and owner and explained my situation. She felt sorry that my initial experience with her clinic has been so hard and she was surprised and not happy for the things that I told her that I went thru. She also said " you',re very professional and as always I appreciate your honesty". 

My final thought to her was:

" I am sorry to say that I can't work with this client anymore. If that's the case, I have no choice but to resign". And I also said "I absolutely love to work for your agency and I would be more than happy to work full time at the clinic and grow with them for years to come". 

She told me that Sara you're not the problem now, and the problem is this client. She told me that she has a lot to process and she will get back to me and will let me know. So I am awaiting her decision now. 

I wrote all this in detail to keep it as a reference for my future. 

Machine Gun Preacher Mkvie

Saturday morning at Fleet. Watched this amazing movie with pish.

Based on the true story.
" Sam Childers" has dedicated his life to help and protect children in Uganda and Sudan by building shelters and keeping them safe there.

Persian Macaroni for Dinner

Groccery Shopping

So my client at the clinic had cancelled his today's session. I decided to do something productive and therefore, I went to freshco on queen st to do groccery shopping after I got out of my morning client home.

I brought all these bags from p3 all at once. They were so heavy but it saved me 2 trips of going to lobby and grabbing the card lol. 😏

My work place at a client home lol.

My lunchtime @ut....tree

It's been couple of weeks that I stay in the car at lunch time and drink tea or smoothie. Much more peaceful in here.

The funniest thing is that I don't see this place to be my workplace next year at this time. Let's see then :)

Today I ha e this white CLA because our C (Cyrus) is in dealership for tire change

Relaxing Saturday Afternoon@Fleet

An amazing, relaxing Saturday at home after last night I tried the Mary... for the first time. Although it was like hell last night, this morning I woke up like a new person so we decided to enjoy the rest of the day today.

Pishi also bought the ticket for Barcelona, Spain. Yaaaaaaay we are so excited. We'll be in Spain this Christmas holiday... hoooorrrraaaaaay.... love you pishi

We watched the movie about Adolf Eichman "Operation Finale"

Our view @Fleet in Fall

Just got back home from an exhaustive day at work at ut...tree and saw this view from the living room of our condo. So gorgeous.

Yaaaay it's fridayyyyyyy

Og God I am so tired

This morning I am extremely tired. I have no energy. I am sitting in the car in front of this client's home.
I think my body physically and mentally deteriorating. I will submit my master's application tomorrow.

And then I'll decide in a month or 2 about what I wanna do with this job at ut.... tree

This morning at client's home

I am here now. Mom and this guy are sleeping. I am barely breathing. Don't want to wake them up. K hope they sleep for the next hour. I really am not mentally ready to work with him today.
This house is so dirty and disgusting.
Oh no. I hear footsteps.

Going to this client's home again

Going to this client's home. My heart is heavy. I cannot wait for the day that this becomes a memory.
I am just gathering every possible energy from universe to get this day going.
Will finish my masters application this weekend.