Just Be: 2022

Wednesday, 19 October 2022

Wednesday, 5 October 2022

1st Session of Thai Chi

Today, I went to my first session of Thai Chi at Shaolin Temple. Wow, today I decided that I will start learning one of the most respected ancient arts, "Kung fu".

Today I mentally switched my mind to Kung Fu and will start training from this week.

I loved Muay Thai before I got injured and was prevented from training and I felt so lost when I realized that I couldn't train properly because of my wrist injury. It also took me a long time to find an alternative and let go.

Last night, I developed so much respect and excitement for my new martial art school where my focus will be on tai chi, qi cong and shaolin Kung fu😊🙏

I cannot wait for the day that I feel every stance and technique as I did with Muay Thai. I promise that I will dedicate so much time and effort to learn this beautiful ancient art

Tuesday, 2 August 2022

Emotionally exhausted!

Not a good start to the week!

I woke up today with his alarm but I did not want to take much of his time and I was sleepy. So I waited in the bed for him to take a shower and get ready in the middle of being half sleep-half awake. Then I heard the sound of a door. I called for him.but there was no answer. Ran to the door and saw him at the elevator.

He always tells me that while I was asleep he kissed me goodbye and that I had smiled. Today I was awake and there was not even a simple goodbye.

He has been blaming me for years and years and years for our lack of physical intimacy. But that's not true. I have been suffering hearing that and started to believe that it was my fault until recently that I got out of a very hard depression phase. It was then that I realized that I haven't been able to express my deep sadness and need for physical intimacy ultimately leading to sexual intercourse. So, I decided to appreciate his kindness and his efforts for our relationship so that I will be able to welcome his hands on my body and enjoy it. It was then that I decided to start a love journey with him my way which was verbally acknowledging that I see it and that I am ready to fall in love again. Yesterday, we took an almost intimate shower and I was happy that at least that happened.

The reasons that it emotionally hit me hard this morning were:

1- I remember when we first met, even if he was late for work, he would hold me so tight when he woke up to relax and then he would jump out of bed. Also, there was no way that he wouldn't come and sit by the bed and hug me. And I always enjoyed it and felt the happiest girl on the planet. That was when we had the best sexual interaction of our lives together. And then it stopped. All of that stopped at Fleet when we both went our own way to study and do different things. All the loneliness, all the crying in front of his eyes without any sympathy offered led to us distancing from each other.

2- we watched a movie last night which all of a sudden resembled the short lived romantic life that we had built together. It was difficult to convince myself to believe in ourselves and our new journey of love and intimacy. But this morning proved me wrong.

I am never done to ruin someone's day at work, but today I was ruined and I still am. I am in a deep hollow silence in a way that I cannot help anyone but myself. I don't have the energy to talk about things anymore. Either I have to accept what is and move on, or I have to struggle with another depression until nothing is left of me.

I am not even sure why he is so interested in dating sites. That's quite a turn off.

Anyway!

Keeping this so I know what happened to me and my feelings today.

Monday, 25 July 2022

we are the one and only!

As time goes by, and as I see how much you have been trying to cheer me up in the past couple of days, I become more hopeful that this life will turning into a really positive direction.

You totally understood me without any effort in the past few weeks when I told you that I have started digging in my past (teenage years) and you easily comprehended why I was offended about my mom two nights ago. As I spoke to others, I realized that it takes a lot of explanation and effort to make them understand my feelings. With you, it's been easy in the past few weeks. It wasn't always like that to the point where I lost all my trust. But now I see it differently and that's because I genuinely felt that you care and most importantly you understand my logic and my feelings.

I am falling in love with you again and I think I am going to keep private with the outside world for a while.